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Writer's pictureKristen Thomas

Beyond Kinkeeping: Elevate Your Family's Emotional Intelligence

What is kinkeeping?

Kinkeeping refers to the activities and efforts that maintain family relationships and connections. The work it takes to manage these bonds is often invisible and undervalued labor. Kinkeeping includes organizing family gatherings, remembering and celebrating important dates such as birthdays and anniversaries, facilitating communication between family members, and preserving family history and traditions. It can also include coordinating health care, maintaining the emotional well-being of others, and resolving conflicts.


Intergenerational black family celebrating with food in the kitchen


Who is responsible for kinkeeping?

Customarily, women have been the primary kinkeepers in many cultures. This role often falls to mothers and grandmothers who take on the responsibility of maintaining family connections and traditions. However, as gender roles evolve, there's a growing recognition that kinkeeping should be a shared responsibility. Some families are now actively working to distribute these tasks more evenly among all family members.


A 1987 study called “The Female World of Cards and Holidays” started the conversation about the gendered practice of kinkeeping, noting how Hallmark is kept in business by women. Dozens of other research papers turn out results such as adult daughters care more for aging parents than adult sons and that daughters-in-law, regardless of employment status, provide more material and emotional support to their spouses’ parents than their own freakin’ child. While kinkeeping can strengthen family bonds, it can also lead to increased stress and emotional labor for the person primarily responsible.


Kinkeeping is indeed a significant contributor to mental load, or invisible labor, especially for those who take on the primary responsibility for these tasks within a family. It involves constant planning, organizing skills, remembering important dates, anticipating needs, managing everyone’s communication needs, and long-term thinking. All of this adds to decision fatigue – the weariness and stress caused by constantly answering questions or making decisions on our family’s behalf. 


Family celebrating a quinceanera

Can kinkeeping be stressful?

This mental load associated with kinkeeping can be particularly burdensome because it's often ongoing, lacks clear boundaries, and is frequently undervalued or unrecognized by others. And that’s if everyone involved is chill. Throw in a challenging relationship like a demanding aunt or an obtuse father-in-law, or cultural differences and traditions – now that stress goes through the roof!


Here are some practical tips for making kinkeeping more equitable within families:

  • Lead by example for all generations: If you're traditionally the primary kinkeeper, actively model delegation. Encourage and support family members as they take on new responsibilities, but be patient as they develop new skills. The next generation can’t learn to make a recipe like grandma if they don’t practice. 

  • Respect individual differences: Acknowledge that family members may have different communication styles and allow for flexibility in how tasks are completed. Let that shit go when you can.

  • Outsource when possible: Delegate! Delegate! Delegate! Consider hiring help for large family events, or use services like online gift shopping and delivery

  • Set boundaries: Establish limits on the time and energy devoted to kinkeeping. This may involve learning to say no to excessive demands. Encourage self-care for all family members involved in kinkeeping. No one should be excessively put upon to make holiday magic or a party happen.



Intergenerational family celebrating winter holidays at a dinner table

How is kinkeeping evolving?

As Gen X settles into their grandparent phase, and Gen Z rises into young adulthood, kinkeeping is certainly shifting. Gen Z are more egalitarian, rely on social media to invite people to events, are expanding their definition of family, and are less rigid in maintaining traditions. They are also less willing to sacrifice their mental well-being for the sake of kinkeeping. All of that means more peace and inclusion with less expectation and fucks given.


So there’s hope that Christmases will no longer involve a fruit cake or screaming matches, but rather, a whole lot more chill, meaningful time together, and gratitude. Gen Z will keep the kin that deserve to be kept, including chosen family, as they become the bearers of traditions and celebrations. Older generations take note - your presence can either be a gift or a burden. Burdens will be dealt with accordingly.


Kristen Thomas brings extensive training from Sex Coach U and holds a Bachelor's degree in Psychology from the University of Missouri-Columbia. She has a monthly Sex & Relationship column in The Pitch and a hit podcast, both called Keep Them Coming. She lives in Kansas City with her husband and cats and can't imagine having a career other than being a Certified Sex Coach, besides perhaps being a New York Times Bestselling Author one day.


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